Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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