My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
