whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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