I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
