So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
