i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
