The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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