there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
