my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
