ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
