Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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