I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
the condom got lost in my hair
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
