I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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