im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize