the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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