but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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