im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
