Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
