You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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