Heybabeimwearingurpanties
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
