this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
