a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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