so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
