he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
