While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
God, I missed his penis.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
