just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
