I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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