Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
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