I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
false alarm. still invincible.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
