i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
