I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize