need another drink. this is the easiest way
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
