Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
COCAINE IS GR8
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
