Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
