I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
