I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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