No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
