Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
