My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize