It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
