someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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