dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize