My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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