i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
