Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize