Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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