I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
