someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
