I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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