Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
