so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
