she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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