I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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