Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
