"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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