So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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