haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
