Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
