I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
