cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
