I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
