I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
