Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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