i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
