My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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