alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
