My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
